I know what he wants. He wants to come back. Like I’d even let him. Like I’m the same stupid girl who’d be glad to have him back after he ran off and break my heart for the nth time. I know what he’ll say next. He’ll say I’M SORRY- those two words that I’ve heard so much in this relationship for the past 11 months that they hardly carried meaning anymore. And I’m done with that.

And so now each night I receive a text message from him with a hint of sweetness and regret. But the past few weeks I’ve gone stronger and I’m not going to fall for that anymore. He has already done something irreversible, something I can no longer accept anymore no matter how much I love him. Maybe in another life I’d call him back to give him another chance. But not in this life.

See, i’m happy. :(

27 May 5 Permalink

May 16, 2012- The Detachment Process

So last night I started burning stuff… you know, movie tickets, receipts, doodles, and even the bus tickets I kept when we were together in Manila that I managed to slip into my pocket for souvenir when he wasn’t looking. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t sad, either. For me I was like burning memories and as they turned into ashes it’s like a piece of me is gone but don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t leave a burning hole in my heart. I don’t know how to describe the feeling. I just watched them all go, eaten by the dancing flame. I let go, just like I should. And it’s weird because I don’t cry anymore. I think about him and there’s a little stab in my heart but it doesn’t reach the tear ducts in my eyes anymore. I guess it’s a sign that I’m going to be okay.

It doesn’t hurt that much any longer. In fact, there are no regrets. What’s left of him is a memory of my first love and the things I’ve learned, as well as the stuffed frog that I couldn’t, for the life of me, find the heart to throw away or donate to my little cousins because I just love frogs. But to avoid a flashback of aversive memories, I kept the frog in a box and hid it at the back of my closet (I promised the poor frog I’m going to rescue him from the spiders that lives in my closet when I’m feeling better with this whole break up thing and I no longer associate him to bitter memories). And the paper roses he gave me? I laughed because the song about paper roses that I heard so much in my childhood is true after all- the roses are fake, like the love he’s trying to show.  And the mug? I used it. It’s a good mug and i guess there’s no sense in trying to preserve it anymore so yesterday I made coffee in it. If it breaks, like the inevitable, it’s a part of life. Who cares.

I can’t burn the pictures in my laptop literally but I burned them in my mind and off they went to whatever world’s waiting for them out there after recycle bin. I can’t locate my old notebook where I slipped a passport photo of him but oh well, I guess I’ll deal with that later when I find it. And what else? Yeah, I found out I can’t just delete him on Facebook because according to some concerned friends, the act would raise a perception that there’s too much bitterness on my part, and I wouldn’t allow that, would I? I have to keep it cool. Facebook is all about self-presentation, anyway. I may be dying inside but all that people can see is how happy I am through whatever crap I post. And he is so going to see how better off I am without him. Mwahaha.

Two weeks and I’m healing. I wonder how it’d feel a month or so from now.

Has he moved on? Must be because he’s already fucking whores. Or maybe that’s just how he deals with the situation. People deal with pains in different fashion. Some commits suicide. Some embraces alcoholism. Some devote themselves into religion to find meaning. Some goes into therapy. And he happened to choose rebound sex with a hooker while my coping behaviour is ranting about him in my blog.

But good for him he’s having a better time. I remember one study I read in our Social Psychology last semester about break ups. It says the fewer the available alternatives, the more painful the break up. So that must be the reason why I’m going through a more difficult situation than him in this break up, don’t you think? He has an access to sex partners. I have no one. Not that I could look at any guy right now.

16 May 2 Permalink

TAYLORSWEPT

fanarteatingfangirl:

I was never good at words, but i know one who is. I know someone who no matter how heartbroken or depressed she is, she could still write a post which has a lot of humor in it. I wish she’ll be as jolly and happy as the tone of her writing. I wish she’ll have the prince she sees in the person she loves and the prince she so rightfully deserves.

Most people who read her group messages about her lovelife would always comment that yes she is madly in love and sometimes the overrated kind of  behavior towards love. But how she actually behaves doesn’t have a single hint of self-presentation in it (unlike the kind of people who comment negatively about her group message) , when she feels sad she shows it and battles sadness in her own way without bothering other people. 

I dunno how to express this but, you are one of the most emotionally mature people i ever knew :)

kaya mo tun princess. it will only take time. 

DON’T CRY TOO MUCH, YOU MAKE LOOK LIKE HER IF YOU KEEP ON CRYING XD

#mce_temp_url#

Oh em, Bebang yana ko la nabasa! hahaha. Thank you. T_T

Source: fanarteatingfangirl

15 May 4 fanarteatingfangirl Permalink

May 15, 2012- Almost Feeling Dead

I’m 21. I’m not much for doing household chores, socializing, and solving math or personal problems. I’ve been thinking a lot about my future lately… you know, after my college graduation got delayed because of some stupid minor subjects I took for granted and of course, after my long distance shit of a boyfriend dumped me and replaced me with a hooker. The feeling just came out of the blue, that I need to start planning my life from now on because one morning I’d wake up and I’m 22- a year older and still nothing’s changed. Stagnant. Twenty-something and stuck in the remnants of childhood. And to say that I’m a late bloomer is an understatement.

I can’t always depend on my grandparents for everything because they’re getting old and fragile and one day I’m going to be the one taking care of them. How can I take care of them when I can’t even take care of myself and whenever my sick grandmother is having her daily barfing episodes, I can’t even watch without feeling sick myself.

One thing that scares me the most is the real world. The truth is I’m a bit relieved about not finishing college yet because that would mean I’m not yet expected to  be filling up my résumé and applying for some companies without the assurance that I’d get in. That’s just too horrifying for me. I can’t even talk to strangers so how the fuck am I going to talk to my boss or whatever? And routine work kills me. It seems like I need to find a job where I get to do different things every day and not just sitting in my office cubicle sorting out and stapler-ing papers and drinking coffee. That’s more horrifying. I’m planning to make my life easier by doing rarejob, unless if I want something permanent and I need something permanent. Or maybe marrying a rich American husband like some natives here in our land but oh well, that’s unlikely for me.

Actually, there are so many options. I could get my MA before working, you know. Or I could teach in some private pre-school (my family knows a few I could get in). Or I could do volunteer works in DSWD for experience. Or I could do rarejob.

As I said, there are many options, but why do I still feel lost?

And then there’s my intimacy vs. isolation problem but it’s not that bad anymore for me. I mean, ever since I found out that girl in the photo was a hooker, it’s like something in my brain clicked. All I can say is that act of posting a picture of him with a hooker is an eye opener. It’s an eye-opener because I finally saw what kind of a guy he really is. And a guy who tables a prostitute doesn’t deserve me or any girl, in general. I just never thought he is capable of doing that. All this time I thought he was this sweet, nice guy with some unresolved childhood conflicts and has too much dosage of masculinity and rebellion and that is why he likes tattoos, frat wars, and alcohol and hey, guess what? I’m going to save him. But I was so wrong, not to mention too blinded. The idea of him having sex with a prostitute is like I don’t even want to think about it. I get all judgmental and stuff and I know you can’t blame me. So that’s it, I know better now. Finally managed to put an end on this drama. Hey, I’m the one who got away. And good for me, don’t you think? Good luck with his life.

And if this is a tattoo, good luck removing that. :)

15 May 3 Permalink

May 14, 2012- The Respect I Never Got

I can’t believe in less than a month he managed to find a new girl while i still can’t even get over the fact that we’ve broken up and probably for good. When I saw that photo of him and his new girl in my newsfeed, my world stopped spinning and crumbled into dust. I mean, I’m still in denial stage that we’ve broken up and he’s already found someone new?  I’ve been ignoring this for a year now but I guess there’s no point in denying anymore that he never cared about my feelings at all, even from the start. If he cared one bit about me after we’ve just broken up, he wouldn’t post that stupid photo of him in a bar with that girl who looks very much like a hooker (my friends’ opinion of the girl). But hey, I found out he can’t even afford to give me a little bit of respect. We’ve been together for almost a year. Even for a long distance relationship that’s a long time. Don’t I deserve even a thank you? Or maybe not a thank you but at least a period where we both self-loath and think about our regrets and mope in our bedrooms and drink ourselves dead or maybe on his part sexual abstinence, until we’re through with the whole detachment process and we can love other better people again. And has heard of the unwritten relationship rule that we have to wait for at least three months before we start dating again? He should have thought of that before he starts posting pictures of girls he’ll have sex with later.

 But what happened to respect? Did it go back to Pandora’s box?

But I’m not going to stoop down to his level by posting bitter stuff on Facebook. I plan on acting like I care less about him and what happened to us. After all, I used to be good at that… you know, pretending I don’t care at all. But I realized ever since I met him, I became a transparent person, at least to him. I’ve never been like that to another person. But I guess wearing your heart on your sleeve is not always a bad thing as long you don’t just let someone break you.  And that was my mistake. I lowered my guard too much.

Maybe he can get away with all the wrong things he did to me, but I’m pretty sure some deity out there would make him pay for all that shit. I wish he’d be reborn into a leech where he can do what he’s been perfectly good at- sucking (in all sense of the word). Or maybe he’d be chopped into a million pieces and thrown into Tartarus where monsters like him belong. Or maybe burning in hell like my grandmother’s greatest fear is not a bad idea, too.

And the promises. I wept for each of them who remained unfulfilled forevermore. Now that he has disappeared from my life, I’d probably make a little ceremony in honour of the little promises he broke where I’d write each of it in tiny pieces of paper and bury or burn them one by one in my grandmother’s backyard. It’s going to be a sad and painful event. I’m probably going to need a few guests to witness the ceremony and my pains. And flowers.

Sometimes I say to myself ‘I don’t care’ and I would almost believe it. But I know right now, it’s still somewhere between trying to be brave and detaching from reality. But someday I’m going to say ‘I don’t care’ because really, I don’t. Time heals all wounds, I’d know that now.

Despite all the shit, I still love him. But yeah, it’s time to pick myself up.

14 May 3 Permalink

May 11, 2012

 Every night since our break up, I dream of him. Last night I was on the shore, sitting in a boulder watching him being crushed by waves in the water, laughing to himself. I don’t know why I wasn’t in the water with him. Instead I was just watching him intently from a distance, enjoying the scene and watching my ex-boyfriend have fun, like an intruder. Like I’m not supposed to be there at all.

Now the typical dream explanation would be I just miss him very much and since we broke up he comes back to me in my dreams every night. I think of him too much in the day and carry him on my mind as I climb to bed at night, or in my case at dawn because that’s my bedtime, right after a movie marathon. But the psychoanalyst in me thinks there is more to it than that explanation.

I’m going to consult my books. Goodnight. :l

11 May 1 Permalink

May 09, 2012

At exactly 5:30 this afternoon, I went for a jog. I have to say that one hour in Grandstand was the only time today where I don’t have to think about him. I thought about a lot of things while I was jogging, like music, food, other people, but never about him. Whenever his face crosses my mind, I would break into a run and then I would be out of breath and no longer think of him. That’s one good thing about running- you never have to think about anything.

The thing is, I don’t know why he has this habit of breaking up with me even over those small fights and then make me suffer for a few days or weeks and then call me only when it’s convenient to him. And I have to say that sucks a lot. I must be so blinded because I always manage to understand him in order to save this relationship. But hey, right now, after he threatened to leave me again, I’m surprised that I don’t care anymore.

But I’m a very sentimental person. I want to shut that part of my brain where fear of losing him is located, scientifically called the amygdala but whatever. But I’d be alright. A month from now and I’d be in school again. I’m planning to get a part time job, too, because I can always fit that in my 6 unit schedule. Life would get better. He’d be away, anyway, sailing the deep blue sea. like literally.

Anyway, I went to Robinsons yesterday afternoon to help my sister buy shoes. I have to say it was pretty hard getting her to choose anything because she doesn’t like, well, practically everything on display. After an hour of her hesitation, I threatened to leave her if she doesn’t pick anything within 5minutes. Thank, God, she finally found what she liked.

I bought myself some cute things, too. I bought keyboard brush! :)

Too bad it wasn’t frog design because when I came back it wasn’t available anymore. So I settled myself to my second favourite animal in the world- COW. <3 It is still cute, but of course it’s nothing like the Frog one if you compared the two.

And then I bought a new pink razor because I need to get rid of all the unnecessary hairs in my body.

And then i painted my nails GREEN :)

Actually, i don’t really like the shade of green my sister picked because it looks like algae-green, although i’m not really sure what shade of green algae is. Well, you get the idea.

Well, that’s all. Bow. <3

9 May 1 Permalink

Baby sitting :-)

2 May 1 Permalink